Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Lost Poems

I don't normally try to be much of a downer, but I want to vent a bit here.

As I'm writing my memoir, I wanted to reflect back on previous writings that I did during that time period and incorporate them in. Otherwise, just reading my thoughts would really help me understand who I was at that time better than I might right now looking back in retrospect. But, when I went to recover my poems written during that period, I could not find them. Then, when later racking my brain, I believe that I threw them out in a folder when I was moving into my new apartment.

Now, I truly believe everything happens for a reason. But, I can't understand why I threw out poems, writing sacred to me during a tough time. Why would this happen?

Am I supposed to sever that time period and those feelings, never to return to how I felt again? Should it all be put to rest? I guess I just feel a bit lost and upset, but I keep telling myself that if I was supposed to have those poems, I would. It's all meant to be, but I can't understand why this was.

I guess I'm not looking as much for a response, or maybe I am, as much as I just need to get this down and try to toss it out of my mind. Maybe my memoir will be better without it. Maybe it's too dark or too sappy. Ah.

Writing is so sacred though. Anything that has to do with artwork seems to have this specialness to it, don't you think? What would you have a hard time with if you lost it? For me, it's writing, because writing is something I hold dear to me. It's my venting tool, my key to understanding myself. I feel like I just lost a piece of the puzzle that helped me in earlier years. Just a bit lost.

Regardless, I still do believe that it's all meant to be. Do others think that despite what happens to you? I always try to cling to it when I am frustrated in a situation, and it normally helps. It's better than just getting overtly angry about the situation.

In other news, my kitten is crawling up my tapestry so I'm going to go rip her down. She's a wild monster.

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